Sometimes, when I look around at my life and my current state of mind I get frustrated, but also encouraged. That sense of encouragement is really important right now, as I fight the depression. It’s all about knowing that while I feel like a ship left behind on a dried up lake… I know that if the water comes in again, I’ll keep floating.
It’s easy to look at things and see all the rough parts. Missing work because of fatigue, having a body that is aging, financial strain, worrying about my 20+ yr old car that is hanging in there about as well as I am, and on and on the list goes… when I focus on that list anyway.
The fact is, when I step back and look at my life, it’s not bad. It’s rough, but right now, it’s not bad. I have friends who might hear that and look at me like I’m nuts. But let me put things in perspective and clarify why looking at reality gives me encouragement.
First off, I have a job. My job sucks ass, no kidding. I’m working on that. I have the support of my supervisors in working on it, too. That’s a huge thing. Not only do I think I’m capable of and ready for more, but so do they. Until that day comes, I have a job and enough income to provide housing and food.
My home isn’t fancy, just a decently sized apartment with sub-market rent because I’ve lived here for years. It’s not even in a super nice complex, and if I had any option, I’d move. I hope to be able to before too much longer. At the same time, I’m not in danger here. Even here in the US, there are too many people who can’t say that.
I talk to people almost daily who don’t have that. I’d be arrogant beyond words if I didn’t appreciate that I’m not facing eviction or going hungry.
My car, as I mentioned, is dying. Bless her courageous, janky, machine heart. She’s still turning over and the wheels are still attached. That beastie and I have waaaaay too much in common there. The financial challenges I’ve had since getting Covid have really wrecked my ability to maintain her though, and now we’re going to end up having to part ways. I’m worried she won’t last long enough to make that an easy transition, but… I don’t have to beg for rides to the grocery store or work. I have had to in the past, and it’s no good, just honestly, not at all good. In a city where public transportation is lacking and I wouldn’t be able to even get to and from work, I’ll count her as a blessing and cross my fingers she holds on for me.
My job provides me with healthcare that covers MOST of my medical expenses. I may still be buried under medical bills right now, but wow… that could be so much worse. Medical care in the US is a nightmare of expenses, and it’s not that I think it’s okay for me to owe half of what I do or have it wrecking my credit score, it’s just… yes, a brief sigh of relief that I don’t owe ALL the charges that were billed through.
Speaking of medical stuff, I have a primary care doctor who knows me well. She’s been taking care of me for years. She cares about me, about my health, and gives me solid guidance. Think things are medically rough for me right now? Gods help me if I lose her.
I’m not alone.
Wow, that’s a huge one. I know what it is to be alone in the world. Been there, done that, it hurts like hell and it makes everything harder. I’m not there now. I have friends and family who love me. I even have a bit of romance going… which was a surprise to me.
I’m fighting fatigue, as we know, but, my body is recovering. I’m recovering physical strength, I’m recovering flexibility. I have my mobility back. Given that I didn’t know if I ever would have it back even six months ago, this is also a good thing.
So, yes, life is rough. There are loads of challenges and it’s exhausting to have to face them all. There’s some uncertainty about the future, though a bit of that is based in the past year having been without any certainty at all.
If I keep myself looking at reality, I have what I need to cope. That is, after all, how I’m writing this blog. I’ve learned many skills to manage anxiety and depression, and those are coming into play for me all over again. But I have them.
So I’ll look at where I am right now, and do the things I must to take care of myself. I’ll work toward clearing a path to keep moving forward. At the present, it’s all okay. It’ll keep being okay.