Honestly, I feel a bit like a fake lately. Here I am sharing tips and skills, and I’m barely holding it together. At least, from my view I’m barely holding it together.

A friend recently said, “You’re holding yourself to some crazy standards thinking that you aren’t enough.” 

Well, perhaps. I hold myself to the standards of life and performance that I had before I got Covid. That’s the goal for me, to return to that. I’m absolutely convinced that there’s a way to do it, but I just don’t know how.

I’m hoping that the new therapist will be able to help me get there. I’m hoping that she’ll be able to help me find hope of changing my career the way I want/desperately need to do. I’m hoping that she’ll help me deal with the unending dread I’ve been carrying.

In the meantime, I’m taking my own advice. Well, trying to, anyway.

I’m working on being gentle with myself. I’m trying to remember to use the DBT skills I learned. I’m struggling, but working on accepting my limits. I’m trying to allow myself space to celebrate my achievements. (First I have to recognize what an achievement is, but that’s part of that accepting limits thing… I have to know when I’ve done something to know when to celebrate it.) I’m trying to do the basics of self-care like staying hydrated, eating properly, and sleeping.

Success on these is variable at the present moment, but I’m trying, and I’m taking my own advice. This is, after all, why I started this blog. I learned all these ways to live with depression and anxiety without them ruling your life. I share these posts because they work. I don’t have to be perfect at them, and … neither do you.

What I will say is, I haven’t been in such a difficult position in well over a decade. I have lost financial stability, no housing security, and questionable food security. I may not be able to drive my car after next month if something doesn’t give so I can either replace or repair it. There’s also reason to have concerns about continued employment where I am. I’m struggling to write anything at all because my ability to write is buried somewhere under the avalanche, so I’m frustrated by lack of progress there, as well. That, on top of the health issues that just won’t quit, and I’m not in a good place, mentally or emotionally.

However, unlike the last time I was facing such a bleak moment, I am not feeling suicidal. I’m exhausted and want to just “quit” but I’m not wanting to end it all. I’m still searching for a way through things. I’m lacking in hope, but holding up in determination – the difference being I don’t actually “hope” anything will be better soon. Instead, I’m like the soldier on the battle field, surrounded by all the enemies, and no help coming; but fighting to get clear and be able to go home anyway.

How can I have that frame of mind while buried under enough depression and anxiety that crying is a near daily event and I wake up in the morning and wish I didn’t have to even think about facing another day of this? Because I’m using the skills I’ve learned. Because I’m continuing to seek help. Because I’ve gotten through it before.

That’s why, even if I feel like a fake for posting all these skills and such, I know I’m not. I’m not because it is helping me, and I know it’ll help you, too.

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