Well, it seems the depression and anxiety are just not really getting better. Awesome.

I can’t count the times I’ve been here. Things just become so big and so overwhelming that my state of mind starts looking like “white girl can’t” from an infomercial.

Top that off with a nasssty fatigue crash, and I’ve had a hell of a week. I did it to myself, the crash that is. I spent about 6 hrs in the kitchen on Monday. The great news is, I have food for ages now! Yummy stuff, too! I mean… yeah, I’ll share the pics.

 

So, yeah, that was a lot of work. None of it terribly difficult, just more than I’ve been able to do. I should have known there’d be backlash from it.

Instead I said, “Gosh, I’m feeling so awesome today!” and did all the things.

I have a note on the kitchen whiteboard now. It says, “Only ONE thing per day!”

If I can remember that, I think I’ll be able to mitigate the fatigue better. Even when I feel like I can do all the things, I have to remember that I’ll pay dearly for it later. At least that’s how it is for now. Between physical limitations and mental chaos though, I really just want to slam some sort of stop button and take a few weeks to get my head and body somewhat straight. Problem is, that wouldn’t actually help.

End result, I know this place. This “I hate being this way” feeling that rides around on my shoulder like an annoying parrot that alternates between pecking my head and cussing at me. I know this fatigue nonsense I’ve been left with thanks to our good friend ‘Rona.

I did talk it over with the therapist this morning. She has given me two tasks.

The first task is to handle one piece of business that needs done right away. I am not to focus on any of the things coming at me in the next few months, just the one big task. I have the appointment with my doctor already, and just need to not miss it.

The second task is to update my resume and post it. No job hunt, just post it. Be open to possibilities. Fact is, I need to be making what I’m worth, and I’m not right now. Between the looming recession (Ignore anyone who says it’s not coming. I have had extensive economics training and said it was on the way 5 months ago. Now it’s in the news that economists are warning about the risk of one.), inflation, increased costs of housing… yes, I need to earn more just to stay afloat the next couple of years. 

I do think we’re heading for a period they’re going to call a recession, but the definition of depression will be met, just as it was in the last recession that no one called an actual depression. So, prepare yourselves for that.

Anyway, two tasks. One big self-care task with the doctor, one opening the door to possibility with posting the resume.

Sorry this sounds so blah, it’s kinda where I am. I’ve been here before. I know the lay of the land and while I don’t have a map, I remember the landmarks. I’ll find my way back out of it.

There is good news. While taking my break I finished my first class in my MBA. I aced it with a 100% for the entire course. Not shabby after being out of class for forever and also working through brain fog, fatigue, and emotional chaos.

This also explains why I had to be nerfed so hard. Clearly the universe is afraid of me. If only it would understand that I don’t intend to take over, I just want to own a home, have a new car, and have retirement be an actual option. Someone tell the powers that be to stop downgrading my powers?