I got a couple messages last week asking if I was okay after the post about my current mental state.

Short version: Yes. I’m okay.

Long version: I’m not okay, but I will be. I’m too stubborn to just give up. It’s helpful at times like this when what I’d really like is to crawl under my bed and hide for a month.

I’m meeting with a counselor this morning. It’s funny how doing the thing that I know will help me eventually is also causing me a huge amount of stress. I just hate “breaking in” a new therapist. I mean, they know their job, but they don’t know me and I don’t know them. I don’t walk in ready to open up all the things until I know I’m comfortable with a person and until I know they can help.

Why wouldn’t a therapist be a good fit for me?

Some things I can account for ahead of time. I’m not a Christian and do not engage in that spiritual path. That means I don’t look for a therapist at a Christian counseling center.

I know that I haven’t had a lot of luck with male counselors because they like to say “You look like you’re doing great, why are you here?” I’m not sure if it’s luck of the draw, but my personal experiences are that the male counselors will see what my life looks like from the outside and utterly dismiss me when I say “I feel like I’m 2 steps from falling apart.”

I’m also an open-minded person. I support human rights, so someone who isn’t decidedly pro-LGBTQ+, who is racist in any way, who espouses gender roles or innate gender differences… we’re going to have a very bad time with each other.

This therapist is a woman, and the information on their profile with my insurance provider says they provide counseling for gender transition and gender identity. That says we’re probably going to be alright.

Still, there’s just that “Please don’t let this be someone who doesn’t understand anything I say” running in the back of my mind.

At least I know if this one doesn’t work out, there are others in the area. I’m not signing a blood pact by having this session, and that thought is the one that keeps me willing to try a new therapist.